12:24 PM #
The Carlson's Memorial Day bash was a complete disaster.
12:26 PM #
The party was empty except for me, the kids, the Carlsons, and their cousin Jeb, who gave his arm to keep our country free.
12:30 PM #
The party was really boring and somber. Nobody even touched my iced tuna salad. Except for Jeb. Big mistake.
12:35 PM #
I guess the mayo had been baking in the sun for a while, and Jeb got really sick. Vomited all over the Carlson's backyard.
12:39 PM #
We tried to help him to the bathroom, but he pushed us down. Punched Doug in the mouth and screamed, "You don't know my struggle."
12:43 PM #
That's when a balloon popped. Jeb's eyes turned yellow and he started lobbing condiment bottles at the kids like hand grenades.
12:47 PM #
We locked ourselves in the house and called the cops. Jeb was in the backyard, digging a trench with his one arm.
12:49 PM #
When the cops finally dragged him away, I asked if he liked my tuna salad, so I could improve the recipe. He spit inside the cop car. Rude.
12:51 PM #
Remember to support the troops, you guys. At least, the ones that aren't jerks.