Twitter Fiction Reader

DadBoner - Thu Sep 29 2011

09:12 AM #
Just woke up in the bathtub to the sound of Dave making a massive BM next to me. Really late for work. Wanna die. Could use some OJ.

09:14 AM #
Called work. Told 'em I was havin some plumbing issues. By the sound of Dave's BM, it'll probably be true in a few minutes.

09:21 AM #
When you wake up in a bathtub covered in Funyuns vomit, next to a man whose rectum is exploding, it's time to pull the reigns in, you guys.

10:12 AM #
Fell asleep on the couch! Gonna pound a Rock N Rye and get to work. Really gotta blow up the "plumbing problem" to epic proportions.

11:45 AM #
Really draggin today. Gonna swipe one of nosey lady's Activias from the fridge for health. She doesn't need 'em. Her buns are a lost cause.

12:02 PM #
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:29 PM #
Goin' for another one of nosey lady's Activias. Perty tasty.

12:51 PM #
Stealin' another Activia. Just gonna take down the whole 4 pack so it's not obvious.

01:03 PM #
Activia is for gals to lose their chunky dumpers and make their lady parts healthy, but I dig the taste. Real refreshin. I'm a modern man.

01:16 PM #
Stomach kinda hurts. Wonder if Activia's got some weird gal hormones in it? Hope I don't grow man sloppers. Really twisting inside.

01:20 PM #
That Activia is causing some weird problems inside my body. Shouldn't have had 4. Feels like I'm gonna give birth or something. Hurts bad.

01:23 PM #
I might have to go to the hospital. Doubled over in pain. Think something's wrong.

01:35 PM #
Feel like gonna die. You guys.

02:17 PM #
Passed out on the floor in the john from the pain. Woke up and Ken was using the stall. Had to make a bm like never before...

02:20 PM #
...barely got off the floor, dropped my Dockers and projectile released my #2 into the urinal. Sick of this.

02:22 PM #
Thanks alot Activia. You just made a grown man's bowels explode into a urinal like a slow kid who doesn't know any better. Congratulations.

02:24 PM #
I got wet doo-doo backsplash all over my khakis. Gonna have to sit down all day. So embarrassed. Just want to cry but I'm too macho.

02:27 PM #
Think I might smell like dog crap from my doo-doo stains. Chewin a whole pack of Big Red to cover up the smell. Always does the trick.

02:32 PM #
So steamed at Activia. It's dangerous. Should be illegal. Someone could get hurt. Make sure to tell your loved ones. Gonna write the FDA.

02:33 PM #
Activia should be ashamed of itself. Using Jamie Lee Curtis' smokin old cans to trick people into buying their product. It's evil.

02:38 PM #
Old gals, no matter how much Activia ya eat, your jugs will probably be sloppers, not primo bombs like Jamie Lee Curtis'. Say no to Activia.