Twitter Fiction Reader

DadBoner - Fri Sep 30 2011

11:53 AM #
Hold on loosely, but don't let go! When you get to your Friday, you're gonna lose controoollll! Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Love some .38.

12:10 PM #
Nosey lady sent out a memo about "not eatin other's food." She should thank me for suffering so she didn't have to like Jesus did.

12:43 PM #
Just finished up my letter to the FDA about the evils of Activia yogurt. Still gotta find a mailing address. Gonna try and do some good.

12:45 PM #
To Whom It May Concern at the FDA, Greetings. My name is Karl Welzein, and I have an urgent message for you about Activia yogurt.

12:47 PM #
Yesterday, I was feeling under the weather due to a late night rendezvous with a new squeeze. Her name is Jody, not that it matters...

12:48 PM #
but I just thought I'd let you know so it doesn't sound like I'm faking. I was late for work at my place of employment, and didn't have...

12:49 PM #
...time to get a quality lunch. Lunch is important to me. Seeking nutrition and health, I borrowed one of my co-workers Activia's from...

12:50 PM #
...the community fridge. It had a nice flavor, although not as bold as the ones I usually crave. Also, it was a small portion, so I...

12:51 PM #
...decided it would best if I just polished off all 4 of them for maximum health benefits. I thought about leaving some for my co-worker...

12:52 PM #
...as they belonged to her, but to be honest, her body is past the point of no return. I believe that she was tricked by the Activia...

12:54 PM #
...advertisements into thinking that if she consumed their product, he old body would be dynamite like Jamie Lee Curtis' as she...

12:56 PM #
...continues to have a healthy firm chest area despite her age. You catch my drift. Shortly after I consumed the 4 Activia's, my...

12:57 PM #
...internals began twisting, causing pain as if I was about to give birth. I considered going to the hospital, but a bold flavor man...

12:59 PM #
...like myself should be able to handle a few lady yogurts. I regularly consume 18 Mango Habs on Wing Wednesdays so you know...

01:01 PM #
...I'm a rugged macho man who doesn't become ill easily. Moments later, I awoke from passing out on the floor of the john, ready to...

01:02 PM #
...release the evil Activia from my distressed bowels. Ken was in the stall, so I was forced to have a projectile movement into the...

01:04 PM #
...urinal, soiling my trousers. It was embarrassing, especially to a cool customer such as myself. Therefore, I am urging you with...

01:05 PM #
...great passion to remove Activia yogurt from all store shelves at once. But please, I want to make clear that this has nothing to do...

01:06 PM #
...with Jamie Lee Curtis' and her ripe mature chest. If she'd like to discuss this issue, I'd be happy to treat her to something bold...

01:07 PM #
...in my neck of the woods. Just a friendly meet up, then who knows? I look forward to your response. Together, let's help keep America...

01:08 PM #
...safe. Sincerely, Karl Welzein.