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DadBoner - Thu Dec 22 2011

10:55 AM #
Got a mean buzz on before the Secret Santa celebraish. The premie took longer to grunt out than expected. Thought the Crown would relax me.

10:56 AM #
Went to get my shrimp platter so I could make a rockstar entrance with that & my Crown. Someone already put in out for EVERYONE. So steamed.

10:58 AM #
MY shrimp platter said "KARL'S SHRIMP" on it. It wasn't for EVERYONE. MAYBE VIP homies like Vernon, but that's it. Half were already gone.

11:00 AM #
Started asking everyone if they ate some of my shrimp and if they did to cough up some bread. No one fessed up. IT DIDN'T JUST DISAPPEAR!

11:04 AM #
Started hoardin a bunch of goodies, sneakin 'em out to my car. No cash for my shrimp? I have to make things even. Fair's fair.

11:19 AM #
The only thing more insulting than stealin' another man's shrimp around the holidays is havin' carnal passions with his wife, you guys.

11:35 AM #
Was puttin a cheeseball in my car when Nosey Lady opened her shirt. Guess she LOVED it & said it was the right size. It was a SMALL! Liar!

11:38 AM #
I got Nosey that small to show everyone the truth about her bein a sow. Told her to try it on. Said she was saving it for a special...

11:40 AM #
...occasion. Like she has anything to do but watch tv and cry about being alone into some Breyer's. The work party IS special. So insulting.

02:26 PM #
Don't even wanna talk about what my Secret Santa gift was. Some a-hole got me a XXXL tee and some BK napkins. I KNOW what that means.

02:29 PM #
XXXL means "Hey tubs, Merry Christmas, slob!" and BK napkins mean, "go take another crap behind the dumpster!" It was an accident. So cruel.

02:39 PM #
Had to save face, so I challenged everyone to a "Chug The Crown & Do The Peener" contest." A test bold booze enjoyment & carnal body moves.

02:51 PM #
No one wanted to take part in my "Chug The Crown & Do The Peener" contest. They'll be sorry next year when it's sweepin' the nation.

02:53 PM #
When I was chuggin' the Crown & doin' The Peener, some people got out their phones for pics. Felt like a rockstar so I went extra hard.

03:04 PM #
Really pulled my back goin too hard on The Peener. Crashed into the snack buffet. Burned my stomach on a Crock Pot. Kinda badass.

03:16 PM #
Got lil' smokey BBQ sauce all over my shirt. Just the price of the bold bad boy lifestyle. Had to change into the XXXL tee. Zero sex appeal.

03:24 PM #
Took off the XXXL tee and tore the sleeves off. Let everyone see a REAL bod that doesn't NEED XXXL. Had to look good for Chili's after.

03:27 PM #
Guess I dropped my wallet in the Crock Pot crash so I sat in the 'Bring at Chili's and finished my Crown. Almost as good as bein inside.

03:30 PM #
Whether you're poundin whisky in the parking lot by yourself, or actually sittin in the bar, Chili's just always feels right, you guys.

03:55 PM #
Really lookin' forward to the holiday weekend, you guys.