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DadBoner - Mon Apr 30 2012

12:02 PM #
Really hurtin' today. Kinda took it to the limit. Gonna take it easy. Probably kick back in the john with a Timehouse, get my head together.

12:05 PM #
Went to Ann & the kids on Saturday for the divorce talk. 2 hrs. late. Stopped at Paddy's for a few cold ones to be loose and conversational.

12:08 PM #
Ann didn't have any snacks set out. Was so steamed. A veggie tray is not, "snacks." You can't crush your kids with divorce news on veggies.

12:11 PM #
Ann didn't dress nice or put on make up or anything. Thought she'd make a last ditch effort for my carnal touch. Me? My look was on point.

12:16 PM #
Maui Jims, rockin' pony, new diamond stud 'rang, heavy 'logne, and my new style jeans. They're so money: http://t.co/fXc1oAjG

12:18 PM #
And my new tee was really out of bounds. Ann must've felt so stupid for not dressin' up when she saw this bad boy: http://t.co/RUq3k3C1

12:25 PM #
Ann didn't have any cold beers or drinks in the house AT ALL. Wonder if she has a problem? I was smart to BMOB. Malibu & Diet, "Cocoa Tans."

12:28 PM #
Whether you're on a sandy paradise, surrounded by chesty beach babes, or tellin' your fam you're splittin', Cocoa Tans always hit the spot.

12:37 PM #
Ann asked if, "I really NEEDED to be drinking." Told her, "I don't NEED to do anything, 'cause I do what I WANT." Shut her down.

12:41 PM #
Ann started in with some crap like, "Your father and I really love you very much, but..." Put on my sports Discman, cranked up the 'Snake.

12:44 PM #
Told Ann, let's just do this, showdown style. I brought note cards so I didn't forget anything. Wanted to be professional. All business.

12:47 PM #
Told my kids, "your mom and I are severing our bond, both carnally, as well as legal. She just stopped makin' an effort. It's too bad."

12:50 PM #
"I was pretty much the #1 hubby/Dad in the USA. And you guys threw it all away. No one this cool will ever love you. One day, you'll see."

12:53 PM #
I turned up the 'Snake and pounded my Cocoa Tan. I had to get it on. My emotions felt so rock n roll. But it also felt righteous.

12:56 PM #
"We could have shared the crazy world call 'life' together. But don't you worry about me. I'll be just fine. I'm better than ever."

12:59 PM #
My daughters didn't even look up from their stupid phone game, like I wasn't even there. It was time to let the Big Dogs off the porch.

01:06 PM #
"Christmas presents? GONE. Birthdays? GONE. You betrayed the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Celebraishes are for team Karl only."

01:12 PM #
My son started waving his wand around, probably sayin' some crap about magic. Turned up the 'Snake even louder. Power move.

01:18 PM #
Told 'em all, "If you want to EVER see me again, you better make some changes. Don't ever beg me to come over without respectful snacks."

01:21 PM #
"Snacks are important to a man. Meats, cheeses, chips & dip. Not VEGGIE trays." Bit off a baby carrot & spit it out, bad boy style.

01:24 PM #
"This? This VEGGIE tray? This is why we're done. It's a metaphor for this whole charade! YOU REJECT THE BOLD FLAVOR LIFESTYLE!" Welled up.

01:26 PM #
It's ok for a grown man to tear up a bit, if he covers his eyes with his Maui Jims, knee deep in Malibu Cocoa Tans.

01:28 PM #
Didn't want em to see weakness, so I hit the bricks. Timed it just right so I slammed the door at 3:57 in Still of The Night. Pretty badass.

01:31 PM #
Kinda got lost Saturday & Sunday in emotional darkness. Feelin' a little better now. It's their loss. Bet they're hurtin twice as hard.

01:32 PM #
Really lookin' forward to Cinco de Mayo, you guys.