Twitter Fiction Reader

DadBoner - Mon Jun 18 2012

11:43 AM #
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

11:49 AM #
Can't believe they make Dads go to work on Monday after a day that they're expected to blackout from booze. Pretty unfair.

11:53 AM #
Went to Ann's last night with the dirty 30s. She wasn't even home. Was pretty steamed. Decided to rock it out anyway, buddy system style.

11:55 AM #
Thought maybe Ann was runnin' late, out buyin' cold ones and goodies. She never showed. So thoughtless, even for her.

12:10 PM #
After a few casual shotguns, me & Dave got a case of the "hungry / need to craps." Didn't have a key. Dave said Cooter could pick the lock.

12:13 PM #
Shouldn't have ever called Crazy Cooter. We were desperate. It was Ann's fault. She should have been slavin' over me!

12:17 PM #
Crazy Cooter showed up with a handle of Jim Beam, half gone. Said he lost the cap and needed to drink it so it didn't go bad. Made sense?

12:28 PM #
Cooter tried to "pick" the lock for 10 seconds with a buck knife, then just smashed a window. Cut his hand. Used some bad language.

12:31 PM #
Cooter said he'd "fix the f@ckin' window and don't be givin' him that look after he drove over and helped!" Had a point.

12:36 PM #
Cooter wrapped his bloody hand in one of the "guests only" towels. Told him not to. Said, "what, I'm a f@ckin' guest!" Air tight argument.

12:42 PM #
Tried to make the most of the situaish. Started up the grill. Threw on some Lunchables. Nothin' else in the house. Didn't work out so well.

12:50 PM #
Told Cooter I was bummin' 'cause my Dad's Day celebraish wasn't rockin.' Said, "shit, you're a Dad too? Drink up! Jimmer motherf@cker!"

12:54 PM #
Guess Cooter has a couple kids he "don't see no more." Man, had a real nice talk, guy to guy. Guess we polished off the Beam, toastin to us.

12:58 PM #
I kinda passed out in a deck chair. Deserved a nice Dad's Day snooze. Woke up around 4am to Cooter grillin' all Ann's underpants.

01:02 PM #
Asked Cooter what he was doin?! Said, "grillin' panties." Had a weird look on his face. You have to pick your battles. Passed on that one.

01:08 PM #
Tried to find Dave. Found him nude (?) in Ann's bed. Clogged her john pretty bad. Really destroyed the toilet mat. Had to hit the bricks.

01:13 PM #
Told Cooter we had to split. Said, "You're f@ckin' kickin' me out?!" Got in his car. Did a burn out on the lawn. Pretty disrespectful.

01:20 PM #
Didn't have time to tidy up. If a man 'causes some light damage to your ex's house on Dad's Day, it's not your problem. Free pass.

01:22 PM #
So steamed Ann didn't get me any gifts. Gonna try to cool off. Callin' her later with a big piece of my mind. Sick of this.