Twitter Fiction Reader

DadBoner - Fri Oct 19 2012

12:16 AM #
Pretty bombed. But smooth. Yep, pretty bombed. But, smooth. Man. Should call some babes to come get my bad boy carnal touch and make it.

12:16 AM #
Man, you guys.

12:17 AM #
Standin' on top of the world.

12:23 PM #
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:26 PM #
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night. And took a bottle of Smirnoff to the head. 'Cause that's gone. Whole pack of cigs. And weed.

12:27 PM #
If your team wins a big one and you don't feel like a big pile of garbage the next day, you're not a true fan, you guys.

12:29 PM #
Threw on my Craig Sager teal blazer from Men's Wearhouse and power walked into work with Van Halen's Top of the World blarin' on my discman.

12:32 PM #
Figured the head honcho would wanna have a guy to guy, pronto, so I pregamed some trunk liquor to get loose and conversational.

12:35 PM #
Layed low at work to get my spirits high and burn off the booze fumes. Smelled like a tire fire made of tires of liquor. Needed 'logne.

12:38 PM #
Nosey Lady woke me up from a power snooze on the floor. I like to be rested before I hustle for paper. It's an old trick from the streets.

12:40 PM #
Had to go in the gal's john for a hot mustard squirt. Domo arigato, peener was dehydrato.

12:43 PM #
Went to meet with the head honcho. He said, "Karl, nice blazer." I said, "Peep the teal. All my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy."

12:46 PM #
Head honcho said, "Karl, I have some bad news." Told him, "The Tigers un-won?" Went in for a K-Money fist bump explosion. Denied.

12:48 PM #
Head honcho said, "Karl, we have to let you go. It's just not working out." I work out all the time doin' 'shups in the john!

12:51 PM #
Told the head honcho, "I'm the President & CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. And if you don't like it, I got 2 words for ya. Suck it." Did the move.

12:53 PM #
Slowly put my headphones on, cranked up Van Halen's Poundcake on the Discman, and power walked outta there with class and dignity.

12:55 PM #
Walked up to Nosey Lady, gave her the double middles like freedom rockets, and bailed out like a boss player.

12:59 PM #
When you get up in someone's face, double middles blazin' with head swagger bangin', it's the ultimate Power Move. Stone Cold said that.

01:02 PM #
On the way out, I told Ken, "Later tater. By the way, I smoked your old lady with my man meat." Thought he was gonna explode!

01:05 PM #
Got in the 'Bring, top down, lit a cig, cranked the Stranglehold, let the double middle freedom rockets fly to glory, and peeled out.

01:09 PM #
They won't get away with this. I'm mother f-ing Karl Welzein. And I'm sick of bein' neighborly.

01:12 PM #
I don't even really know what I did at work anyway. Who does? Just wasting my precious time when I could be rockin' or rollin'.

01:18 PM #
You talk about your psalms. You talk about your John 3:16. Well, KARL 3:16 says I just whooped yer ass.

01:21 PM #
And exactly 3:57 in Still of the Night by Whitesnake says it's time for Power Moves in a funky fresh teal blazer and a cold one, you guys.

01:26 PM #

02:13 PM #
Better recognize game, you guys. Let's roll. Kid Rock said that so America could rock free in the USA.

02:25 PM #
Comin' atcha live, on WLZN. You're with the Captain.

02:42 PM #
The hits don't stop, here on your Friday. It's Van Halen. Here's Poundcake. WLZN.

02:50 PM #
Feelin' fine on a Friday. Let's take it way back with some southern bold flavors. WLZN.

02:59 PM #
Let's all take a moment to think about America, you guys. We can do it. USA. WLZN.

03:33 PM #
Here's one goin' out to Michigan's own, Alto Reed. It's Turn The Page. On WLZN.

03:52 PM #
Captain Karl signin' off. Have a rockin' Friday, you guys. May god bless your weekend journey. And bless Todd Snider.

04:33 PM #
Live every day like it's the weekend. Friday ain't always a guarantee, you guys.

04:35 PM #

04:43 PM #

04:56 PM #
We're AMERICA. Leader of the only known people world in the universe. So act like you got swag, you guys. Crap could be worse. USA.

05:02 PM #
America should = Stone Cold Steve Austin. Maybe then we wouldn't have any problems. Government ain't that hard, USA. Break the glass.

05:34 PM #
How America should kick the door down on the rest of the world. Might vote for Ric Flair. Could get the job done?

05:36 PM #
Ric Flair for President. That's my official endorsement, you guys.

05:39 PM #
WOOOOOOO!!! Loud and proud, right in the rest of the world's filthy face!

05:40 PM #
America is the big house, on the big side of town, you guys. -Ric Flair

05:53 PM #
America: To be the man, you've gotta beat the man. -Ric Flair for president.

05:57 PM #
"I got more cars, than most of ya have friends." -Ric Flair for President.

05:58 PM #
"America: We're custom made." -Ric Flair for President.

06:05 PM #
I'm a jet flyin', limousine ridin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', son of a gun. -Ric Flair for President.

06:09 PM #
And that Paul Ryan corncob? What a dipshit. Todd Snider knows more about what America needs than that bag of sissy garbage.

06:14 PM #
Paul Ryan's the dude version of that dumb broad from last time. So stupid. Throw him in a meat grinder. -Ric Flair for President

06:17 PM #
Even Dave knows Paul Ryan is an idiot. Asked him about him. Said, "Yeah, I'd kick his ass in a KFC parking lot." Ha! Probably not but still.

06:20 PM #
Wonder if Paul Ryan knows what it's like to shovel concrete for 8 bucks an hour to support a child. Probably not. I do. What a bitch.

06:25 PM #
If I had a hundred billion dollars, I'd pay Ndamukong Suh to stomp Paul Ryan's neck on behalf of USA women from coast to coast.

06:28 PM #
Babes should be able to do whatever they need to with their bodies. What if a gal President told you what to do with your peener? Not cool.

06:31 PM #
If Paul Ryan got butt passioned by a crack animal & had to shoot a sin baby out his peener, he might understand the meaning of "religion."

06:37 PM #
Any REAL man vote's for the REAL man who supports babes. They make the world go round and round. If you don't, beat it, corncob. -Ric Flair

06:50 PM #
I ain't liberal. I ain't republican. I'm AMERICAN. And in the USA, babes do what they want, regardless of some made up crap you read.

06:53 PM #
Believe in God on your own time. I do. Saint Christopher digs into my chest on my sweet gold chain. But I don't put in on yours.

07:00 PM #
I'm a Republican. But I'll be voting for Ric Flair. Ain't votin' for 2 fancy corncobs who need their ass kicked in a bar, you guys.

07:06 PM #
So I got fired, if people don't wanna hang out with me, then hit the bricks. Like I give a hard crap. Seats are for REAL MEN and BABES only.

07:17 PM #
Just wish republicans would endorse a guy that doesn't look like somebody who's an a-hole at Chili's 'cause they didn't get "lite ranch."

07:25 PM #
Everyone should vote for whoever they want. Just do whatever you think is best for the USA. Gonna go get bombed.