Twitter Fiction Reader

DadBoner - Sat Dec 15 2012

12:00 PM #
Shed a few tears yesterday. Saw my man Barry O. did too. Ain't nothin' wrong with havin' love for your fellow Americans, you guys.

12:15 PM #
Worry sometimes that the world is turnin' into a garbage pile. Think technology isn't always good. Makes folks forget what "real" is.

12:17 PM #
Sure, you can do almost everything on computers now. Doesn't mean you have to. Goin' to the mall and hatin' everyone's guts is a tradition.

12:23 PM #
Some people like to just stay home and do EVERYTHING on the computer. Not me. I like to press the flesh on the streets, you guys.

12:40 PM #
Some crap you can't do on a computer; like drinkin' cold ones at Chili's, changin' a flat, or 'shups. They're probs workin' on it though.

12:43 PM #
A real USA man knows how to give a firm handshake, can do at least 10 'shups, shoot a whisky, and change a tire. If you can't, you're a boy.

12:47 PM #
A real USA man rocks the new ZZ Top album. Not just the old stuff. If you don't, you're a boy.

12:50 PM #
A real USA man thinks Miranda Lambert is a smokin' babe. With the curves to ease your nerves. If you don't, you're a boy. (So smokin'.)

01:06 PM #
A real USA man knows the real reason to open a door for a babe. So you can peep that caboose when she walks by, you guys.

01:13 PM #
Went over to Ann's yesterday. Wanted to see my kids and give 'em a "what's up" hug. Saw a new Buick Regal in the driveway. Kinda concerning.

01:16 PM #
Ann answered the door with some corncob. Said, this is my "friend," Gary. Got so steamed. Ann is MY babe! We're divorced, but still.

01:20 PM #
Gary looked like a real pile. Had big guy beefers, weak Dockers, some lame blue shirt. Gave me the sweatiest limp hand shake in history.

01:39 PM #
Told Gary, "I'm Karl. K-Money on the streets. Just here to see my kids." Angled my 'rang at him and handled my pony. Real power move.

01:42 PM #
Barged past Gary into the living room. My daughters just got up and went in their room. So rude. I made a special visit!

01:45 PM #
Heard Gary say, "Who is that. You're ex?" Said, "I'm the MAIN man. That's who. And your mouth is on silent 'til I leave." Shut him down.

01:46 PM #
My son came out of the kitchen. Said, "Daddy!" Really showed respect. Gave him a big hug, right in Gary's face.

01:50 PM #
Guess my son isn't into Harry Potter crap anymore 'cause he showed me his new John Cena DVD. Got choked up. Never been so proud.

01:51 PM #
When your son starts likin' wrestling instead of magic, it's kinda like gettin' pubes, but for your mind. So special.

01:54 PM #
My son Chad's a good kid. But we could never hang out before 'cause of his garbage taste in interests. Now, maybe I should be in his life?

01:58 PM #
Made myself a coffee mug of Ann's wine and told Chad, "let's watch John Cena. Together, son." Cena's for kids, but he supports the troops.

02:01 PM #
If you're drinkin' booze in front of kids, do it in a coffee mug. It's more "adult" and looks like you're thinkin' grown up stuff, you guys.

02:06 PM #
Told Ann, "Hey Ann! Looks like ol' Karl's gonna be stoppin' by alot more often now that Chad doesn't suck so hard!" Gave him a wink.

02:10 PM #
Gary said, "I think I'm gonna go." Told him, "Are you late to go suck somewhere else?" Took a sip of my coffee mug wine, like a boss player.

02:12 PM #
Watched the rest of the John Cena DVD with Chad. Felt good. Like, I don't know. Like he was my SON. Man. So money.

02:19 PM #
Now, more than ever, is the time to love your family and support the USA. Let's stand strong together, hand in hand, you guys.

02:25 PM #
Never be ashamed to stand up and say you're a patriot. I bleed red, white, blue and beer. 24/7. 365. Open on Sundays. http://t.co/jbfN586I