Twitter Fiction Reader

DadBoner - Fri Nov 01 2013

01:47 PM #
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

03:25 PM #
'Ween was off the chain. Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

03:28 PM #
Had my face and bod lathered in cocoa tan, Dave said, "Baywatch Hoff doesn't have a beard." Wanted to fulfill fantasies. Shaved it off.

03:30 PM #
My beard gone, my first thought was, "Whoa. That's alotta face." Just so much face I wasn't aware of. ALOT of face. Big face.

03:32 PM #
Had ran outta cocoa tan lolo, and my beard area mug was still bonkers pale. Tried to color it in with a brown Crayola marker. Looked ok?

03:35 PM #
When there's no beard where your beard used to be, it's best to avoid eye contact in the mirror for a few days.

03:38 PM #
Wouldn't let us 'Bee's 'cause I was rockin' no shirt. The Hoff from Baywatch don't wear a shirt! It's a no rules erotic 'Ween 'Stume.

03:39 PM #
Figured they were just tryin' to save Dave's feelins. His Guyley Cyrus 'stume was the grossout of the century. Puke City, USA.

03:42 PM #
Dave wore a nasty one piece swimsuit from Goodwill, filled with diseases probably. With Guy Fieri head dressings. So yuck.

03:44 PM #
Dave's big cheeks hung out the swimsuit with a front peener outline tipper. Kept makin' "Miley" faces, stickin' his "slut tongue" out.

03:50 PM #
Went back to the 'Bring 'cause Dave said Coot might be havin' a bash. Locked my keys in it 'cause my short red shorts had no pockets.

03:52 PM #
After 'bout an hour of tryin' to just yank the door open, I went for a coat hanger. Came back and the window was smashed in.

03:53 PM #
Dave said, "I had to get it on. My Guyley cheekers were froze. Don't worry. I do a killer trash bag car window. Looks badass." Maybe?

03:56 PM #
Dave sat in the window glass and got a thousand tiny cuts on his cheeks. Idiot. Drove to Coot's with his can out the window, pickin' at it.

03:59 PM #
Coot wasn't home, so me and Dave just chilled in the party store parkin' lot booziin' 'til the owner started yellin', "NO PROSTOS!"

04:01 PM #
Tried to explain how, "Dave is just a nasty garbage guy with bloody buttcheeks, and I'm obviously the smooth operator from way back."

04:03 PM #
Went back to the crib with a handle of Crown and pretty much took it to the house watchin' Halloween 3,4, 5, and 6. So classic.

04:06 PM #
Gonna leave on my 'Stume and rock it again tonight. Gotta give all the babes a fair shot at my firm and tender man machinery.

04:09 PM #
"Be ALL the man to ALL the babes so ALL the babes will forever crave your carnal touch. ALWAYS." Teddy Pendergrass said that, you guys.

07:49 PM #
*PHILADELPHIA! #POWERMOVES Tour Supershow with @Braunger @BrooksWheelan and @JaredLogan 11/5 Get Tickets: http://t.co/pWkoHk6HZv …*