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Heckler4Truth - Wed Sep 28 2011

06:14 PM #
"Hey, Larry! Larry! What's the most stressful thing in YOUR day?"

06:15 PM #
"Oh great," he said. "Now we got a peanut gallery."

06:23 PM #
"Hey Larry! Larry! I bet YOUR biggest decision each day is which pricey Hollywood call girl you'll be paying to touch you that night!"

06:24 PM #
...Now, I rarely resort to such crass personal vituperation. I felt a bit diminished, taking this approach.

06:25 PM #
But I could tell one thing about this man from the get-go: he was an animal. A predator. This was the only arena I could combat him in.

06:26 PM #
He was a veteran of many a rough-and-tumble comedy club, as well as the Hollywood jungle, where he lived on a giant pile of money.

06:27 PM #
So Larry Morgan wasn't off-balance for long. He dropped the smile, focused on me, and snapped into a hard-wired response:

06:29 PM #
"Who let you in, junior genius? The homeless shelter is down the block, by the way."

06:30 PM #
I ignored the insult, got real friendly: "Why, YOU let us in here, Larry. So we'd buy your bitter little pill of a book!"

06:30 PM #
He paused. He needed to inhale. Good, good.

06:32 PM #
"So don't buy it, dipshit! I'm not gonna starve.

06:32 PM #
...Anyway, looks like you should invest in a new suit instead. You steal that one off a friggin' corpse?"

06:33 PM #
(The SUIT. Bastard.)

06:33 PM #
Laughs from the crowd, of course. But again, I ignored the bait. Must constantly shift back to my terms, my vocabulary, however outmatched.

06:34 PM #
(And I WAS outmatched. That I knew.)

06:39 PM #
"Gee Larry, I heard the book was funny, but I got more laughs reading MEIN KAMPF."

06:40 PM #
"Wow, a Nazi joke! Very original, lame-ass."

06:40 PM #
I countered: "Yeah Larry, you Nazis must be tired of 'em by now."

06:52 PM #
This was crude, and awful, and I knew it. But I was WINNING. Not in terms of my comic material (was was mediocre; distasteful; 'lame-ass'),

06:53 PM #
but by my refusal to be cowed by celebrity.

06:54 PM #
By the fact that I was still giving it back to him; something he thought he'd outgrown fifteen years ago when he was still playing stinky

06:54 PM #
clubs on the Jersey shore.

06:56 PM #
"OK clown-boy, OK corpse-robber...why don't YOU get up here and entertain, and I'll take your shift cleaning toilets in the bus station?"

06:57 PM #
This was supposed to shame, reminding me of our relative status. But I would have none of it. I smiled BIG, damned near charmingly I'd say.

06:57 PM #
"Sounds GREAT, Larry! Give me that microphone, I can't be any worse than you!"

06:58 PM #
And I started walking briskly up to the stage area.

07:01 PM #
"Whoa whoa WHOA, sit your ass down!"

07:02 PM #
He was in full Enraged Comedian mode now:

07:03 PM #
TERMINATE THE LOUDMOUTH IN THE AUDIENCE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE, GRIND HIM INTO THE FLOOR WITH YOUR HEEL LIKE A BUG, UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING

07:04 PM #
LEFT BUT A STAIN; MAKE AN EXAMPLE.

07:05 PM #
"Do you REALLY think I want a smelly, rat-faced little [string of amazingly vivid cursewords /phrases he called me] on MY stage?"

07:06 PM #
My smile was peaceful and lovely. "Of course, Larry! You're a generous guy. Thanks in advance for the opportunity!"

07:06 PM #
And I continued towards the stage.