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Heckler4Truth - Fri Sep 02 2011

09:00 AM #
Sorry to neglect my reporting, but I've been out there in the field, doing the work was BORN to do. I'm all the more certain of that now.

09:01 AM #
Popped up in various places over the last few days. A noisy little mushroom.

09:04 AM #
1) This week a few new HealthyFoodsCo* Grocery Stores opened in these here parts. [*my moniker]

09:06 AM #
They've really trolled for P.R., calling it "the start of a Healthy Revolution for the metro area!!!" [<-- yes, with three !!!s]

09:06 AM #
HealthyFoodCo's owner, a New Age gasbag, was giving a blissed-out speech, his eyes shining with planetary purpose, going on and on

09:08 AM #
about the links between a Healthy Diet and a Healthy World. I got in REAL CLOSE. "Yes, granted, I shouted. "It's good to be healthy!"

09:09 AM #
"But your prices are so high, and you pay crap wages to your employees, so they have to shop elsewhere, and their children eat

09:10 AM #
nitrate-and-rat hot dogs and chemical nightmare powdered milk and wilted discount iceberg lettuce not fit for gerbils. They can't afford

09:10 AM #
your Organic Baby Roma Tomatoes on the Vine or your Free-Range Cornish Game Hens that Have Been Lullabyed to Sleep Every Night or

09:11 AM #
or your Special Healthy FoodsCo Wood-Pressed Boysenberry-Pear Nectar from Elysium Itself. RIGHT?"

09:12 AM #
The HealthyFoodsCo owner was an easy mark, stung by that tiny vestige of liberal guilt he still carried around. He got very flummoxed:

09:13 AM #
"Your, your point is a valid one, it is, it's very valid, it's a valid point. There's some validity there, it's a valid point."

09:14 AM #
"I know it's valid, SIR. That's why I said it." I replied calmly. "I do not say unvalid things."

09:15 AM #
...Then he went into some circuitous flapdoodle about the connection between nutrition and entrepreneurialism, quoting from

09:16 AM #
...Rachel Carson, Krishnamurti, and Lee Iacocca. He was panicking, and looked like he was about to cry. I almost felt sorry for him.

09:16 AM #

01:45 PM #
2) My next appearance was early this AM. Showed up at a press conference at Police Plaza. I was a "reporter."

01:47 PM #
My friend Benjamin, a sweet young guy who works in a print shop, made me credentials saying I wrote for the Kew Gardens Weekly. (It doesn't

01:48 PM #
exist, but sounds likely enough.) Of course I was 90% in the door already because of THE SUIT, my magic armor of respectability.

01:50 PM #
Conference was with the police chief, trying to explain the parking ticket scandal. Unfortunately, this time I was put in the way, way back.

01:55 PM #
FORTUNATELY, however, my intense vocal training paid off. From the diaphragm, you know. I can out-Voice the Kwisatz Haderach.

01:56 PM #
(And if Saruman tried his thing on me he'd quickly get his ears filled with a REAL trained Voice. Old man would panic and run into a swamp.)

01:58 PM #
So I shouted "Did you enjoy stealing our money?" When he evaded, I shouted again "Did you enjoy stealing our money?!" He ignored, so...

01:59 PM #
...I repeated, turning up the volume: assault by decibels. They had NO idea yet how high I could turn up the rheostat. Hee hee!

02:00 PM #
"DID...YOU... ENJOY... STEALING... OUR... MONEY?!" This was an experiment in pure brute reiteration / escalation. Crude but effective.

02:05 PM #
My fellow reporters are the ones who really scuttled it. "You're ruining it for all of us!" one cadaverous-looking guy hissed.

02:06 PM #
I told him to stop being such a brown-nose, and continued shouting my question, reaching ever new heights of sound, until he got a cop.

02:07 PM #
(There were a lot of cops around, as it turned out, what with it being POLICE PLAZA.)

02:08 PM #
I was invited to leave by the most gargantuan policeman I'd ever seen: a water heater with a head. I made tracks.

02:08 PM #
But it left me feeling amazingly confident. Powers GROWING. :)